Overwhelming

I can never be prepared for the overwhelming responsibility that faces me. I understand that now, that in just a few short months, Ill be faced with absolute freedom, short of murder and exhibitionism of course, but freedom nonetheless. I know that mistakes, will seem frequent and normal, but I know that it's part of the process.. The time in everyone's life where, they regret nearly everything and seem to fall inevitably.. But it is the time in everyone's life that defines them and makes them,... them..

One of the most surprising things about this "New Age" of freedom and "flying by the seat of your pants" path of life, is.. Im not afraid.. "What no way!?!" "Yes way." Both my parents and God have raised me well enough, to be a man. Not meaning that, men are not afraid, but rather, we don't fear the challenge. Instead, I welcome this challenge, this beast of sin, this Jungle of Darkness. Life has nothing, God can't handle, with me in His shadow.. A lot of it I believe can be contributed to my early introduction into absolute sin, and destruction... Not by me of course.. My Step-Father Brian. Being raised, with Drugs, Sexual Perversion, and Physical abuse, right there in my face. Kind of forces you to "Cowboy-Up" at a young age. Too young, probably. While I don't look at the first 11 years of my life as something to model, I do however use it as an opportunity, to discourage me from ever reaching a low in my life where I can no longer tell a difference between that of myself and my former step father...

To get level with you... You honestly had to be there to understand exactly what I mean. The absolute darkness, and evil is indescribable. I won't go into major detail, but there were times in my life where I was sure my mother and I were not going to live much longer.. But the scarier thing yet, was while I was at such a young age, I harbored so much hatred for this so called man, that repeatedly beat my mother and I.. That, Im not sure what kept me from going off the edge, and doing something to to him, I could never forget. When you yourself, have that much hate and darkness within you at such a young age.. It's scary. At that time, all I knew was, Either I was going to die.. Or he was.. But God provided a way out.. An odd way out.. but a way out.. Just a little background, on the beginning of my departure from darkness...

Brian had not been working for 3 months.. Mind you, even though he was buying, growing, selling, and making drugs.. We were never rich... Drugs has this amazing ability to cause complete selfishness, and the drugs wrap you in there deathly grip, which has the tendency to be the hardest to break. Anyways, during his 3 months of no work, we lived in our house which was a mobile home, purchased by the profits of his drug industry no doubt.. All this place was, was a shelter.. We had no money, other than the bit that was scraped up, from a few drug sales, and of course that was used for more drugs, so of course bills weren't being paid. So, the electricity was soon shut off, following the water. And soon we were living in a shell.. Almost like a dark cave.. We actually pulled out air mattresses into the living room, and placed several candles in the living room for light.. We ate by cooking what we had left over, on a little propane powered camping stove we had.. Our water we stole from our neighbors, when they weren't home we would take a 55 gallon trash can over to their hose spicket and fill the trash can and use that for bath and dishes and washing our clothes... And of course Brian always found something to do and was nearly never home during those times, except for the occasional ritual beating, and then of course he'd disappear for a few days.. Not like we wanted him around.. Eventually we got tired of it and moved in with my grandmother, we call her "Babi" (which is Czech for Grandma). She is an amazing woman.. Im not sure there many people left alive that have seen as much as she has..

This woman, who is now about 98, immigrated as a young woman from Czechoslovakia.. She fled the country, because of the German occupation during WWII. She fled to Austria for a few years, while later moving to Venezuela.. During this time, she had 4 sons. Vecho (or Vitis), Paul, George, Pete. She also had an amazing husband named Bohosh, whom sadly died just before I was born. While staying in Venezuela, Vecho was bitten by an extremely venomous snake, and would later suffer permanent brain damage... Later of course they settled in America, where the moved a bit but eventually settled in Brazil, IN.

At this time in my life, my mother had, had it. And So had I... Death was sure to come.. For either side. And most have the tendency to criticize the mother for staying in this situation... But when your told everyday that of you leave that, you'll be hunted down and killed.. And how he'd already found a spot where they could never find our bodies, you feel somewhat obligated to stay. So in a desperate attempt to get somewhat stable, we chose to move in with my grandmother Babi, with Brian sadly.. it wasn't long before Brian was fed up with, my 4 foot grandmother constantly getting on to him for being such a bad husband, before he left..

About a year prior to this I discovered the drugs, but I never said anything.. I remember one time, when my mother asked me to put some stuff in the compost pile.. And unknown to me, Brian had been growing some Marijuana, in this little compost pile.. Well, to me it was just a weed, and I had no Idea how much trouble this weed, would cause.. I threw the stuff right on it and crushed it.. And when Brian found out.. Frankly he was pissed... And instead of taking it out on me, for fear of me finding out what it actually was.. Beat my mother...

In short, my mother took me to school. But after leaving Brian followed her and attempted to kill her.. With God's help she escaped, came to the school and picked me up from school, and explained it all to me on the run, down to "Good ol' Texas". Where my grandparents lived.

At this point in my life, there were several struggles and what seem to be hellish times, but were honestly nothing close to what I was used to. You see at such a young age, I was forced to man up, and not cry.. I was told that babies cry.. which of course I couldn't be, if I wanted to avoid being beat.. It always seemed to anger him more, if you cried.. Or acted tough.. Which is why I tried to get away..

While I don't remember much of my childhood, mainly because those weren't the best times in my life.. By far... I do remember the lessons I learned early in life... which was to be a father.. and a good one. Not this person who pretended to be a man, by beating a 11 year old child and a woman.. But a man who, loves, supports, and provides for his family. I learned that, life isn't always fun.. sadly, it was during those times when life is supposed to be.. I learned countless things, but ultimately.. I learned that God provides and God loves. While my circumstances were seemingly unconquerable, and my early death inevitable. God pulled through. He proved himself. Theres a verse somewhere in Psalms, that strikes me profound.. Which the Bible always is.. But it says something like, "Imagine if God had not been with us, the enemy waits to devour us but He has saved us" And that's my motto.. Imagine if God had not been with me.. I would be a bitter, angry, and hate filled individual. With nothing to show, for my life. But God and the prayers of my family have turned me into that man... That man Brian could not be and still isn't. I am by no means finished and fully matured.. but Im ready.. Im ready to take on the "small" challenges that await me, after Graduation. Life has nothing We can't beat. After facing a life full of rejection, from that of my real father, and the denial of a real father figure, in the early stages of my life.. I turned out alright. I have God and friends that love me. And I have life experiences who have made and molded me into a capable man.

So I say, "Bring it On"

If anyone Ever reads this, please let it be known, that this is by no means meant for anyone to feel pity. But for those of you who feel like there is no way out, and life has been ruined and is worthless. I mean this, to tell you there is better and theres always a way. Though, you seem to be stuck in failure, God understands.. Use those times in your life that seem the worst, for growth. I believe that every experience in life, whether good or bad has a lesson. So use it, and learn it. Thanks for sticking with me and reading until the end.