I've recently began reading the Ted Dekker Series including Black, Red, and White (Ive only gotten to Red). And first of I must highly recommend the series. They give you an entirely new perspective on the world and they're very intriguing. Between the constant time shifts and tons of excitement and drama, it still gets a philosophical point across. It's basically a testimony of what the world would be like without evil. And evil believe it or not encompasses a wide variety of topics. Such as disappointment, hate, anger, even frustration; a lot of things are kind of challenged in the book and it reall y allows you to think. It also does a great job of contrasting both worlds; the one we live in and the perfect world. Almost like a modern Thomas More: Utopia.
The basic story line starts out with a guy named Thomas who happens to have run in with some loan sharks and has a bit of an accident and hurts his noggin... Well, this little boo boo gives him the ability to shift universes when he sleeps. So every time he sleeps in one world he awakes in another. It's an awkward but amazing twist to the story. It offers the best of both worlds.. Guns and Swords. Even some romance.
So if youre looking for a great read, I suggest this series. You can purchase them at http://www.amazon.com
If you have any questions or comments feel free to post.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Top 10 Best Movie Quotes (in my opinion)
10. Steve Butabi: "Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically." ( A Night at the Roxbury)
9. Fat Bastard: "I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook." ( Austin Powers "The Spy who Shagged Me")
8. Peire: "In France, when a man is caught poaching ostriches we shave his head and make him run through the fields." ( Dude, Where's My Car)
7. Dr. Raymond Stantz: "Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here."
Walter Peck: "They caused an explosion!"
Mayor: "Is this true?"
Dr. Peter Venkman: "Yes, it's true. This man has no dick." (Ghostbusters)
6. Detective Drycoff: Who’s Eleanor?
Detective Castlebeck: It's a damn car. And don’t you ever talk about my wife. (Gone in 60 Seconds)
5. Forrest: "Mama always said, dying was a part of life." (Forrest Gump)
4. Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body. (Caddyshack)
3. Dark Helmet: "Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb." (Spaceballs)
2. Dewey:
1. Reverend Johnson:
9. Fat Bastard: "I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook." ( Austin Powers "The Spy who Shagged Me")
8. Peire: "In France, when a man is caught poaching ostriches we shave his head and make him run through the fields." ( Dude, Where's My Car)
7. Dr. Raymond Stantz: "Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here."
Walter Peck: "They caused an explosion!"
Mayor: "Is this true?"
Dr. Peter Venkman: "Yes, it's true. This man has no dick." (Ghostbusters)
6. Detective Drycoff: Who’s Eleanor?
Detective Castlebeck: It's a damn car. And don’t you ever talk about my wife. (Gone in 60 Seconds)
5. Forrest: "Mama always said, dying was a part of life." (Forrest Gump)
4. Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body. (Caddyshack)
3. Dark Helmet: "Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb." (Spaceballs)
2. Dewey:
My name is Dewey Finn. And, no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them.(School of Rock)
1. Reverend Johnson:
Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.(Blazing Saddles)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
What We All Crave
In Life I find there to be one essential thing. Even in comparison to food, water, and oxygen this is more essential to survival. What every person craves in this world and is incapable of living without, is love. A person will spend a life-time searching for love. Be it from a parent, a lover, or a god. Entire lives are wasted on this one endeavor, for example Romeo and Juliet gave their lives in hope that they at some point in time would be together. A set of individuals who were denied their feelings, found their way through death. There are thousands of stories that have been told about martyrs who have given their lives to their god or some cause. This is a result of some form of love and some attachment.
Suicide is a rampant plague in the world and most of these sad endings start with their inability to be loved or so they feel. They for some reason were unable to find, that god, that woman, that parent who would love them back to life. And this failure to find love has resulted in an unpublished life.
If you were to think about, why you are where you are. And consider why your life is the way it is. It can almost certainly be contributed to the fact that you have followed some love, some passion, and have ended up where you are. What's amazing is, the things people will go through to feel loved and accepted. Some people will go through an entire wardrobe change and a complete paradigm shift, just to fit in with the cool crowd, and if they cant make it there they find other places to feel comforted.
Mind you this is not some speech about free-lovin' and world peace. It is more-or-less confronting some of the issues we all deal with. My main point in writing i this is to say that love is a choice. It's not some puddle you accidentally fall in and say "Ah crap, I got love all over me!" It's something more. It's something we all face and we all seem to confuse with acceptance and attraction. Love is undeserved. It's gentle. It can be both your downfall and your saviour. You must choose to chase love. This doesnt mean you have permission to stalk that girl or that guy you've been "SO IN LOVE WITH" it just means, you must follow your passions. And often times those passion don't come without hardship and resistance. You have to fight.
Suicide is a rampant plague in the world and most of these sad endings start with their inability to be loved or so they feel. They for some reason were unable to find, that god, that woman, that parent who would love them back to life. And this failure to find love has resulted in an unpublished life.
If you were to think about, why you are where you are. And consider why your life is the way it is. It can almost certainly be contributed to the fact that you have followed some love, some passion, and have ended up where you are. What's amazing is, the things people will go through to feel loved and accepted. Some people will go through an entire wardrobe change and a complete paradigm shift, just to fit in with the cool crowd, and if they cant make it there they find other places to feel comforted.
Mind you this is not some speech about free-lovin' and world peace. It is more-or-less confronting some of the issues we all deal with. My main point in writing i this is to say that love is a choice. It's not some puddle you accidentally fall in and say "Ah crap, I got love all over me!" It's something more. It's something we all face and we all seem to confuse with acceptance and attraction. Love is undeserved. It's gentle. It can be both your downfall and your saviour. You must choose to chase love. This doesnt mean you have permission to stalk that girl or that guy you've been "SO IN LOVE WITH" it just means, you must follow your passions. And often times those passion don't come without hardship and resistance. You have to fight.
AF Production & Tools
With my present job being a full time Video Editor (which I have now been doing for about 3 years) I have learned a few things about some of the production tools out there. One of them being Adobe After Effects (the specific version being 7.0). After Effects is a tool that can be used for doing anything from designing a Credit intro to a movie production or just adding some flare to a college project. It's an extremely useful tool in my line of work, and is actually a fun thing to play around with for those of you who are both brave enough and nerdy enough to mess around for a while. Actually if you are practiced enough you can make some decent money using your new found skills.
I know that most of this information is exclusive to those if you who are lucky enough to own Adobe After Effects so for those of you who are looking at buying, you can get some additional information and prices here:
http://tryit.adobe.com/us/cs4/aftereffects_c/?sdid=EFNUS
A lot of the effects I use on after effects are used mainly for announcements of some sort. Most of my work involves video announcements, and I use AF (After Effects) avidly to get that point across with as much excitement and effectiveness as possible. Both AF and Premiere (and Adobe editing software) work together quite well, and each allow you to render your projects through sequences and compositions into ".avi" files which are a form of video file. Depending on the quality of your computer you can actually edit, produce and render a project quite quickly.
After Effects is a highly detailed program that allows you to edit and add effects to each individual layer of your composition. This feature is extremely helpful at times when you need to go back and change something. which unfortunately happens a lot in my line of work. There are several forms of layers such as a solid, null, camera, adjustment, and light. Each deal in specific uses for after effects, for example the solid layer can be used to change the background color of your composition; and the camera layer is extremely useful when using the 3D effects in your composition. The camera layer allows you to shift camera angles in your timeline allowing you to view the piece from a different perspective and add some excitement to your production.
You can use the 3D effects on each layer by specifically clicking the 3D button next to each layer name (the button looks like a 3 Dimensional cube). After doing thing you can actually key frame each section within the timeline and set the effects to being, end, or move at these specific key frames. When using the Camera with the 3D effect you can give your text the appearance of coming off of the page instead of it being 2D and pasted onto the background solid.
There are some amazing little add-ons and presets you can ad to AF. Each of them have a pre-designed effect, which save you the time of trying to figure it our yourself. You can purchase them online and download them directly. Often times you can actually find several presets free, online. There are presets such as a light-saber effect. So for you Star Wars fans out there you can finally release your feature film, using the real effect, instead of using florescent PVC pipe. There are add-ons out on the market that allow you to using some amazing partical effects, like animated explosions, and crazy lines. One of these programs that Ive used is "Trapcode Particular 1.5". The sad news is, this one is a little pricey, it's up and around $300. So for those of you who are planning on making some money at this... this would be a wonderful addition to your arsenal of AF production tools. The particular add-on can be used to create effects such as light streaks (for a great example of the effect you can view the iPod Nano commercial with the dancing people and the "light streaks") You can create some animated explosions, fireworks, a barrage of crazy lines, nearly anything is possible.
Also if youre looking for some more direct and helpful AF video tutorials you can look up Andrew Kramer at:
www.videocopilot.net
He's got some great tutorials on after effects that help give you some hands on training. He's shows you a lot of cool effects and some of the AF capabilities as well. On his site, he also has a lot of presets and add-ons for sale, such as "Riot Gear" which hold several grunge themed effects that can really spice up your projects. There's also a preset containing all of the Action movie essentials, like Blood Spatters, Explosions, Mayhem in a bottle.. Pretty much anything you action junkies can think of to throw into your own little home movies. So I suggest going and checking him out for some great ideas and After Effects Walkthroughs.
Overall After Effects is an essential for anyone serious about movie production and any serious form of editing as well. If you have any questions on AF you can email me at "jlepka@yahoo.com"
I know that most of this information is exclusive to those if you who are lucky enough to own Adobe After Effects so for those of you who are looking at buying, you can get some additional information and prices here:
http://tryit.adobe.com/us/cs4/aftereffects_c/?sdid=EFNUS
A lot of the effects I use on after effects are used mainly for announcements of some sort. Most of my work involves video announcements, and I use AF (After Effects) avidly to get that point across with as much excitement and effectiveness as possible. Both AF and Premiere (and Adobe editing software) work together quite well, and each allow you to render your projects through sequences and compositions into ".avi" files which are a form of video file. Depending on the quality of your computer you can actually edit, produce and render a project quite quickly.
After Effects is a highly detailed program that allows you to edit and add effects to each individual layer of your composition. This feature is extremely helpful at times when you need to go back and change something. which unfortunately happens a lot in my line of work. There are several forms of layers such as a solid, null, camera, adjustment, and light. Each deal in specific uses for after effects, for example the solid layer can be used to change the background color of your composition; and the camera layer is extremely useful when using the 3D effects in your composition. The camera layer allows you to shift camera angles in your timeline allowing you to view the piece from a different perspective and add some excitement to your production.
You can use the 3D effects on each layer by specifically clicking the 3D button next to each layer name (the button looks like a 3 Dimensional cube). After doing thing you can actually key frame each section within the timeline and set the effects to being, end, or move at these specific key frames. When using the Camera with the 3D effect you can give your text the appearance of coming off of the page instead of it being 2D and pasted onto the background solid.
There are some amazing little add-ons and presets you can ad to AF. Each of them have a pre-designed effect, which save you the time of trying to figure it our yourself. You can purchase them online and download them directly. Often times you can actually find several presets free, online. There are presets such as a light-saber effect. So for you Star Wars fans out there you can finally release your feature film, using the real effect, instead of using florescent PVC pipe. There are add-ons out on the market that allow you to using some amazing partical effects, like animated explosions, and crazy lines. One of these programs that Ive used is "Trapcode Particular 1.5". The sad news is, this one is a little pricey, it's up and around $300. So for those of you who are planning on making some money at this... this would be a wonderful addition to your arsenal of AF production tools. The particular add-on can be used to create effects such as light streaks (for a great example of the effect you can view the iPod Nano commercial with the dancing people and the "light streaks") You can create some animated explosions, fireworks, a barrage of crazy lines, nearly anything is possible.
Also if youre looking for some more direct and helpful AF video tutorials you can look up Andrew Kramer at:
www.videocopilot.net
He's got some great tutorials on after effects that help give you some hands on training. He's shows you a lot of cool effects and some of the AF capabilities as well. On his site, he also has a lot of presets and add-ons for sale, such as "Riot Gear" which hold several grunge themed effects that can really spice up your projects. There's also a preset containing all of the Action movie essentials, like Blood Spatters, Explosions, Mayhem in a bottle.. Pretty much anything you action junkies can think of to throw into your own little home movies. So I suggest going and checking him out for some great ideas and After Effects Walkthroughs.
Overall After Effects is an essential for anyone serious about movie production and any serious form of editing as well. If you have any questions on AF you can email me at "jlepka@yahoo.com"
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Not Our Mind
One of the most inevitable and least avoidable experiences in this world is personal opinion. Doctrine is being preached from nearly every venue in the world. Through the press, Universities, both public and private, the religious pulpit, and from the family dinner table; quite honestly the majority of these indoctrinations belong to the claims of the Christian religion. With this in perspective, you being to question who is on right side and who the real nuts are. Don't get me wrong, Im not criticizing Christianity souly, rather Im confronting more of the silly doctrine that is produced from these spotlight positions.
Constantly people are being bombarded by media propaganda, in countries both free and communist. It seems that every individual has a stance on nearly every issue imaginable, and have done their best to sway people to their "Faith". Whether it be evolution, abortion, the legalizing of marijuana, or transubstantiation. Opinions are as plentiful as the insane who make their claims. In areas such as the media, who claim to hold unbiased opinions, they seem to be everything but an equitable source for information. And from the pulpit there has been no better testament of the dogmatic doctrine that has been produced.
It almost seems that the most trusted people in, in the highest positions of society, have turned on the peasants (the common people) and made it their mission to sway everyone to a new world religion, consisting to their own beliefs and not that of a truly unbiased position and not that of the word from the book, they so fervently claim to serve. It is evident that man truly has his price and that is power and affirmation. Anywhere from Presidents to movie directors, doctrine is being thrust upon individuals so much, that we as a world society hold beliefs that are not our own; they have been brainwashed to believe the words of both communist dictators and deranged authors.
We live in a wolrd today, where our beliefs are not our own.
Constantly people are being bombarded by media propaganda, in countries both free and communist. It seems that every individual has a stance on nearly every issue imaginable, and have done their best to sway people to their "Faith". Whether it be evolution, abortion, the legalizing of marijuana, or transubstantiation. Opinions are as plentiful as the insane who make their claims. In areas such as the media, who claim to hold unbiased opinions, they seem to be everything but an equitable source for information. And from the pulpit there has been no better testament of the dogmatic doctrine that has been produced.
It almost seems that the most trusted people in, in the highest positions of society, have turned on the peasants (the common people) and made it their mission to sway everyone to a new world religion, consisting to their own beliefs and not that of a truly unbiased position and not that of the word from the book, they so fervently claim to serve. It is evident that man truly has his price and that is power and affirmation. Anywhere from Presidents to movie directors, doctrine is being thrust upon individuals so much, that we as a world society hold beliefs that are not our own; they have been brainwashed to believe the words of both communist dictators and deranged authors.
We live in a wolrd today, where our beliefs are not our own.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Overwhelming
I can never be prepared for the overwhelming responsibility that faces me. I understand that now, that in just a few short months, Ill be faced with absolute freedom, short of murder and exhibitionism of course, but freedom nonetheless. I know that mistakes, will seem frequent and normal, but I know that it's part of the process.. The time in everyone's life where, they regret nearly everything and seem to fall inevitably.. But it is the time in everyone's life that defines them and makes them,... them..
One of the most surprising things about this "New Age" of freedom and "flying by the seat of your pants" path of life, is.. Im not afraid.. "What no way!?!" "Yes way." Both my parents and God have raised me well enough, to be a man. Not meaning that, men are not afraid, but rather, we don't fear the challenge. Instead, I welcome this challenge, this beast of sin, this Jungle of Darkness. Life has nothing, God can't handle, with me in His shadow.. A lot of it I believe can be contributed to my early introduction into absolute sin, and destruction... Not by me of course.. My Step-Father Brian. Being raised, with Drugs, Sexual Perversion, and Physical abuse, right there in my face. Kind of forces you to "Cowboy-Up" at a young age. Too young, probably. While I don't look at the first 11 years of my life as something to model, I do however use it as an opportunity, to discourage me from ever reaching a low in my life where I can no longer tell a difference between that of myself and my former step father...
To get level with you... You honestly had to be there to understand exactly what I mean. The absolute darkness, and evil is indescribable. I won't go into major detail, but there were times in my life where I was sure my mother and I were not going to live much longer.. But the scarier thing yet, was while I was at such a young age, I harbored so much hatred for this so called man, that repeatedly beat my mother and I.. That, Im not sure what kept me from going off the edge, and doing something to to him, I could never forget. When you yourself, have that much hate and darkness within you at such a young age.. It's scary. At that time, all I knew was, Either I was going to die.. Or he was.. But God provided a way out.. An odd way out.. but a way out.. Just a little background, on the beginning of my departure from darkness...
Brian had not been working for 3 months.. Mind you, even though he was buying, growing, selling, and making drugs.. We were never rich... Drugs has this amazing ability to cause complete selfishness, and the drugs wrap you in there deathly grip, which has the tendency to be the hardest to break. Anyways, during his 3 months of no work, we lived in our house which was a mobile home, purchased by the profits of his drug industry no doubt.. All this place was, was a shelter.. We had no money, other than the bit that was scraped up, from a few drug sales, and of course that was used for more drugs, so of course bills weren't being paid. So, the electricity was soon shut off, following the water. And soon we were living in a shell.. Almost like a dark cave.. We actually pulled out air mattresses into the living room, and placed several candles in the living room for light.. We ate by cooking what we had left over, on a little propane powered camping stove we had.. Our water we stole from our neighbors, when they weren't home we would take a 55 gallon trash can over to their hose spicket and fill the trash can and use that for bath and dishes and washing our clothes... And of course Brian always found something to do and was nearly never home during those times, except for the occasional ritual beating, and then of course he'd disappear for a few days.. Not like we wanted him around.. Eventually we got tired of it and moved in with my grandmother, we call her "Babi" (which is Czech for Grandma). She is an amazing woman.. Im not sure there many people left alive that have seen as much as she has..
This woman, who is now about 98, immigrated as a young woman from Czechoslovakia.. She fled the country, because of the German occupation during WWII. She fled to Austria for a few years, while later moving to Venezuela.. During this time, she had 4 sons. Vecho (or Vitis), Paul, George, Pete. She also had an amazing husband named Bohosh, whom sadly died just before I was born. While staying in Venezuela, Vecho was bitten by an extremely venomous snake, and would later suffer permanent brain damage... Later of course they settled in America, where the moved a bit but eventually settled in Brazil, IN.
At this time in my life, my mother had, had it. And So had I... Death was sure to come.. For either side. And most have the tendency to criticize the mother for staying in this situation... But when your told everyday that of you leave that, you'll be hunted down and killed.. And how he'd already found a spot where they could never find our bodies, you feel somewhat obligated to stay. So in a desperate attempt to get somewhat stable, we chose to move in with my grandmother Babi, with Brian sadly.. it wasn't long before Brian was fed up with, my 4 foot grandmother constantly getting on to him for being such a bad husband, before he left..
About a year prior to this I discovered the drugs, but I never said anything.. I remember one time, when my mother asked me to put some stuff in the compost pile.. And unknown to me, Brian had been growing some Marijuana, in this little compost pile.. Well, to me it was just a weed, and I had no Idea how much trouble this weed, would cause.. I threw the stuff right on it and crushed it.. And when Brian found out.. Frankly he was pissed... And instead of taking it out on me, for fear of me finding out what it actually was.. Beat my mother...
In short, my mother took me to school. But after leaving Brian followed her and attempted to kill her.. With God's help she escaped, came to the school and picked me up from school, and explained it all to me on the run, down to "Good ol' Texas". Where my grandparents lived.
At this point in my life, there were several struggles and what seem to be hellish times, but were honestly nothing close to what I was used to. You see at such a young age, I was forced to man up, and not cry.. I was told that babies cry.. which of course I couldn't be, if I wanted to avoid being beat.. It always seemed to anger him more, if you cried.. Or acted tough.. Which is why I tried to get away..
While I don't remember much of my childhood, mainly because those weren't the best times in my life.. By far... I do remember the lessons I learned early in life... which was to be a father.. and a good one. Not this person who pretended to be a man, by beating a 11 year old child and a woman.. But a man who, loves, supports, and provides for his family. I learned that, life isn't always fun.. sadly, it was during those times when life is supposed to be.. I learned countless things, but ultimately.. I learned that God provides and God loves. While my circumstances were seemingly unconquerable, and my early death inevitable. God pulled through. He proved himself. Theres a verse somewhere in Psalms, that strikes me profound.. Which the Bible always is.. But it says something like, "Imagine if God had not been with us, the enemy waits to devour us but He has saved us" And that's my motto.. Imagine if God had not been with me.. I would be a bitter, angry, and hate filled individual. With nothing to show, for my life. But God and the prayers of my family have turned me into that man... That man Brian could not be and still isn't. I am by no means finished and fully matured.. but Im ready.. Im ready to take on the "small" challenges that await me, after Graduation. Life has nothing We can't beat. After facing a life full of rejection, from that of my real father, and the denial of a real father figure, in the early stages of my life.. I turned out alright. I have God and friends that love me. And I have life experiences who have made and molded me into a capable man.
So I say, "Bring it On"
If anyone Ever reads this, please let it be known, that this is by no means meant for anyone to feel pity. But for those of you who feel like there is no way out, and life has been ruined and is worthless. I mean this, to tell you there is better and theres always a way. Though, you seem to be stuck in failure, God understands.. Use those times in your life that seem the worst, for growth. I believe that every experience in life, whether good or bad has a lesson. So use it, and learn it. Thanks for sticking with me and reading until the end.
One of the most surprising things about this "New Age" of freedom and "flying by the seat of your pants" path of life, is.. Im not afraid.. "What no way!?!" "Yes way." Both my parents and God have raised me well enough, to be a man. Not meaning that, men are not afraid, but rather, we don't fear the challenge. Instead, I welcome this challenge, this beast of sin, this Jungle of Darkness. Life has nothing, God can't handle, with me in His shadow.. A lot of it I believe can be contributed to my early introduction into absolute sin, and destruction... Not by me of course.. My Step-Father Brian. Being raised, with Drugs, Sexual Perversion, and Physical abuse, right there in my face. Kind of forces you to "Cowboy-Up" at a young age. Too young, probably. While I don't look at the first 11 years of my life as something to model, I do however use it as an opportunity, to discourage me from ever reaching a low in my life where I can no longer tell a difference between that of myself and my former step father...
To get level with you... You honestly had to be there to understand exactly what I mean. The absolute darkness, and evil is indescribable. I won't go into major detail, but there were times in my life where I was sure my mother and I were not going to live much longer.. But the scarier thing yet, was while I was at such a young age, I harbored so much hatred for this so called man, that repeatedly beat my mother and I.. That, Im not sure what kept me from going off the edge, and doing something to to him, I could never forget. When you yourself, have that much hate and darkness within you at such a young age.. It's scary. At that time, all I knew was, Either I was going to die.. Or he was.. But God provided a way out.. An odd way out.. but a way out.. Just a little background, on the beginning of my departure from darkness...
Brian had not been working for 3 months.. Mind you, even though he was buying, growing, selling, and making drugs.. We were never rich... Drugs has this amazing ability to cause complete selfishness, and the drugs wrap you in there deathly grip, which has the tendency to be the hardest to break. Anyways, during his 3 months of no work, we lived in our house which was a mobile home, purchased by the profits of his drug industry no doubt.. All this place was, was a shelter.. We had no money, other than the bit that was scraped up, from a few drug sales, and of course that was used for more drugs, so of course bills weren't being paid. So, the electricity was soon shut off, following the water. And soon we were living in a shell.. Almost like a dark cave.. We actually pulled out air mattresses into the living room, and placed several candles in the living room for light.. We ate by cooking what we had left over, on a little propane powered camping stove we had.. Our water we stole from our neighbors, when they weren't home we would take a 55 gallon trash can over to their hose spicket and fill the trash can and use that for bath and dishes and washing our clothes... And of course Brian always found something to do and was nearly never home during those times, except for the occasional ritual beating, and then of course he'd disappear for a few days.. Not like we wanted him around.. Eventually we got tired of it and moved in with my grandmother, we call her "Babi" (which is Czech for Grandma). She is an amazing woman.. Im not sure there many people left alive that have seen as much as she has..
This woman, who is now about 98, immigrated as a young woman from Czechoslovakia.. She fled the country, because of the German occupation during WWII. She fled to Austria for a few years, while later moving to Venezuela.. During this time, she had 4 sons. Vecho (or Vitis), Paul, George, Pete. She also had an amazing husband named Bohosh, whom sadly died just before I was born. While staying in Venezuela, Vecho was bitten by an extremely venomous snake, and would later suffer permanent brain damage... Later of course they settled in America, where the moved a bit but eventually settled in Brazil, IN.
At this time in my life, my mother had, had it. And So had I... Death was sure to come.. For either side. And most have the tendency to criticize the mother for staying in this situation... But when your told everyday that of you leave that, you'll be hunted down and killed.. And how he'd already found a spot where they could never find our bodies, you feel somewhat obligated to stay. So in a desperate attempt to get somewhat stable, we chose to move in with my grandmother Babi, with Brian sadly.. it wasn't long before Brian was fed up with, my 4 foot grandmother constantly getting on to him for being such a bad husband, before he left..
About a year prior to this I discovered the drugs, but I never said anything.. I remember one time, when my mother asked me to put some stuff in the compost pile.. And unknown to me, Brian had been growing some Marijuana, in this little compost pile.. Well, to me it was just a weed, and I had no Idea how much trouble this weed, would cause.. I threw the stuff right on it and crushed it.. And when Brian found out.. Frankly he was pissed... And instead of taking it out on me, for fear of me finding out what it actually was.. Beat my mother...
In short, my mother took me to school. But after leaving Brian followed her and attempted to kill her.. With God's help she escaped, came to the school and picked me up from school, and explained it all to me on the run, down to "Good ol' Texas". Where my grandparents lived.
At this point in my life, there were several struggles and what seem to be hellish times, but were honestly nothing close to what I was used to. You see at such a young age, I was forced to man up, and not cry.. I was told that babies cry.. which of course I couldn't be, if I wanted to avoid being beat.. It always seemed to anger him more, if you cried.. Or acted tough.. Which is why I tried to get away..
While I don't remember much of my childhood, mainly because those weren't the best times in my life.. By far... I do remember the lessons I learned early in life... which was to be a father.. and a good one. Not this person who pretended to be a man, by beating a 11 year old child and a woman.. But a man who, loves, supports, and provides for his family. I learned that, life isn't always fun.. sadly, it was during those times when life is supposed to be.. I learned countless things, but ultimately.. I learned that God provides and God loves. While my circumstances were seemingly unconquerable, and my early death inevitable. God pulled through. He proved himself. Theres a verse somewhere in Psalms, that strikes me profound.. Which the Bible always is.. But it says something like, "Imagine if God had not been with us, the enemy waits to devour us but He has saved us" And that's my motto.. Imagine if God had not been with me.. I would be a bitter, angry, and hate filled individual. With nothing to show, for my life. But God and the prayers of my family have turned me into that man... That man Brian could not be and still isn't. I am by no means finished and fully matured.. but Im ready.. Im ready to take on the "small" challenges that await me, after Graduation. Life has nothing We can't beat. After facing a life full of rejection, from that of my real father, and the denial of a real father figure, in the early stages of my life.. I turned out alright. I have God and friends that love me. And I have life experiences who have made and molded me into a capable man.
So I say, "Bring it On"
If anyone Ever reads this, please let it be known, that this is by no means meant for anyone to feel pity. But for those of you who feel like there is no way out, and life has been ruined and is worthless. I mean this, to tell you there is better and theres always a way. Though, you seem to be stuck in failure, God understands.. Use those times in your life that seem the worst, for growth. I believe that every experience in life, whether good or bad has a lesson. So use it, and learn it. Thanks for sticking with me and reading until the end.
Dreams
In my many years of living, Ive come to realize that plans are meant to fail. Or that's how it seems. Time is meant to be wasted and love is meant to be lost.
I know your thinking, wow this sure sounds a lot like a country song.. But honestly.. Life has been good. Looking back on what Ive come from and the good times and experiences Ive had. They've made me a better person. But what hurts is the disappointment, the broken promises, the people that have been stolen from me and the pain attached to that. There are a lot of regrets in my life, but they are far lesser than those good things in my life.
Most of my regrets are attached to those things that I miss. Those future memories (which is a paradox by the way) and those past. I look forward to that time, when im comfortable in the fact that things are right and where they're supposed to be. Now dont get me wrong, I know that life is never going to be perfect. However it is all in perspective. When I imagine my future, I see things specifiacally. But at times, your visions contradict those of the people around you. Everyone reading (if anyone ) knows what Im talking about. Everyone at one point in time, imagines there future. They picture their kids, their house, their career, even that person you are going to marry. What's sad is, that over time.. Those dreams change.. Your desires are forced to change and conform to this rollercoaster we call life..
Im a strong believer in faith, in fact I believe that 95% of our Christian religion, is wrapped up in faith. How else would we take directions from an omni-present spirit we call God. How else would we obey a very real God, that we can not see? By faith. And as a christian, we're all forced to operate is some form of faith.. Ive chosen to make choices and direct my life in a way I feel, gets me the most God for my time hear on Earth. But, as I said earlier, dreams, desires, and promises are forced to confrom to life. Every living person has dreams, but if you really sit down and think about how many of you are dreaming the same dreams you were when you were 6, 10, 12, 16, 30? I know for me, one of my life choices was to love one woman and marry one woman. But due to a life sometimes mislead, I broke promises to myself and even others caught in my life's wake.. Im a goal oriented person, as I believe all males should be, and sometimes.. People change your mind for you.. And as much as I would like to hold on to those promises I've made, I can't. Somewhere down the road Im going to have to tell my wife, that I fell in love with another woman, and I gave my heart away. And somewhere in that dreadful converstation, Im going to have to expllain to her, that she is in someway better than my past love. Im going to have to tell her about my dreams and what I wanted for her.. But due to choices and mistakes, she won't be taking a part in any of those.
It's somewhat disheartening to know that my dreams are so fragile. That the things I want for my life are going to change tomorrow. That what I invest so much time, faith and prayer in, is something that is subject to change. And at times not by my own choice but by others. I didn't want to love this girl, I fell in love with. I didn't want to lie to myself and dream a dream, inpossible. I didn't want those things for my life. But, those choices made by other people, have gotten my dreams caught in their life's wake. And have shaken and even broken my faith and trust.
If you look at it from this perspective, it's somewhat like, building a house for someone, and amidst the happiness and celebration.. Taking a wrecking ball.. And trashing there hopes, for change, life, and seeming salvation. And all theyre left eith is the rubble, and are somehow expected to build a life worth living, out of nothing but debris. It's cruel.
With all of that.. I warn anyone reading and interested. To take into consideration those your effecting when you make choices and promises. Don't be selfish with yourself. You're choices are dream changers and crashers. When you make promises, mean it. When you love someone, keep it. When you want something take it. Faith is the key. We choose to see things, how theyre seen.
I know your thinking, wow this sure sounds a lot like a country song.. But honestly.. Life has been good. Looking back on what Ive come from and the good times and experiences Ive had. They've made me a better person. But what hurts is the disappointment, the broken promises, the people that have been stolen from me and the pain attached to that. There are a lot of regrets in my life, but they are far lesser than those good things in my life.
Most of my regrets are attached to those things that I miss. Those future memories (which is a paradox by the way) and those past. I look forward to that time, when im comfortable in the fact that things are right and where they're supposed to be. Now dont get me wrong, I know that life is never going to be perfect. However it is all in perspective. When I imagine my future, I see things specifiacally. But at times, your visions contradict those of the people around you. Everyone reading (if anyone ) knows what Im talking about. Everyone at one point in time, imagines there future. They picture their kids, their house, their career, even that person you are going to marry. What's sad is, that over time.. Those dreams change.. Your desires are forced to change and conform to this rollercoaster we call life..
Im a strong believer in faith, in fact I believe that 95% of our Christian religion, is wrapped up in faith. How else would we take directions from an omni-present spirit we call God. How else would we obey a very real God, that we can not see? By faith. And as a christian, we're all forced to operate is some form of faith.. Ive chosen to make choices and direct my life in a way I feel, gets me the most God for my time hear on Earth. But, as I said earlier, dreams, desires, and promises are forced to confrom to life. Every living person has dreams, but if you really sit down and think about how many of you are dreaming the same dreams you were when you were 6, 10, 12, 16, 30? I know for me, one of my life choices was to love one woman and marry one woman. But due to a life sometimes mislead, I broke promises to myself and even others caught in my life's wake.. Im a goal oriented person, as I believe all males should be, and sometimes.. People change your mind for you.. And as much as I would like to hold on to those promises I've made, I can't. Somewhere down the road Im going to have to tell my wife, that I fell in love with another woman, and I gave my heart away. And somewhere in that dreadful converstation, Im going to have to expllain to her, that she is in someway better than my past love. Im going to have to tell her about my dreams and what I wanted for her.. But due to choices and mistakes, she won't be taking a part in any of those.
It's somewhat disheartening to know that my dreams are so fragile. That the things I want for my life are going to change tomorrow. That what I invest so much time, faith and prayer in, is something that is subject to change. And at times not by my own choice but by others. I didn't want to love this girl, I fell in love with. I didn't want to lie to myself and dream a dream, inpossible. I didn't want those things for my life. But, those choices made by other people, have gotten my dreams caught in their life's wake. And have shaken and even broken my faith and trust.
If you look at it from this perspective, it's somewhat like, building a house for someone, and amidst the happiness and celebration.. Taking a wrecking ball.. And trashing there hopes, for change, life, and seeming salvation. And all theyre left eith is the rubble, and are somehow expected to build a life worth living, out of nothing but debris. It's cruel.
With all of that.. I warn anyone reading and interested. To take into consideration those your effecting when you make choices and promises. Don't be selfish with yourself. You're choices are dream changers and crashers. When you make promises, mean it. When you love someone, keep it. When you want something take it. Faith is the key. We choose to see things, how theyre seen.
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