Thoughts

I’ve spent a lot of time lately contemplating my relationship with my father. And while at times I feel that I’m not where I need to be, I realize that I myself am the person who determines where that place is. I spend a lot of time in thought, which at times is extremely beneficial to myself and others at times, but it’s also my weakness. It’s awfully ironic that what I believe to be my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. I often put myself under a lot of self inflicted stress due to my inevitable ability to think.

My mind wonders to the most random issues, me being graduated and all, I feel this need to get away, but the problem is… get away to where? I have so many plans, gifts, and thoughts about where I want my life to go and I often times forget about where God wants me… I know that my gifts and desires are something inspired by God, but I have a hard time thinking about what these gifts are going to best used for. I’ve considered several careers, ranging from the military to being a lawyer.

I guess one of the most appealing things about both areas is that I love people. And I know some feel that being a soldier is as far from loving people as you can get… but I have a great respect for our soldiers and I believe they’re fighting for a cause. Which is honestly any man’s dream. A man needs something to fight for. In a world that’s degraded the head of the house and the actual need for a husband and most importantly a father (believe me there’s a difference), a man needs something. Most find it in their careers, some in war, some in their families, and others in God. While a lot of people, or Christians rather, tend to break God into a time table or a diet. And anyone who has chosen to diet knows that it’s not a diet at all but a change in lifestyle. Same with life and God.

God is in everything I believe, and in whatever we do operate, in a way that makes people envy what you have which is honestly something, none of us have earned and never will earn. I have decided to personally be that in every area in my life… and since the majority of my time and present career have me on a computer I’ve decided to relay that hunger and that love for people everywhere possible. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a kook, a Bible beater, or a hypocrite. I act human and just like any person. I just have something different about me. And while I don’t know where I’m going and I am often times confused about where I myself am headed… I know that the way has already been prepared and all I have to do is walk straight and things will fall in line. If I love God and love people, my life has been all that it can possibly be and I have hopefully in some small way changed someone’s life.

My ultimate goal is not to be a good person because I want to go to heaven… I know there’s nothing I could do that would warrant me a ticket to paradise. I do know that me going to heaven is a gift and even though I don’t deserve it, I as a human seeking acceptance am obligated to accept the gift. I’m not good because God tells me to be, I’m good because God is good and I must emulate my father.